he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You peed on a flamingo?!?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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