fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Still dying that you shit outside
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
