Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
