I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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