I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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