She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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