i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i think i have herpe
just one?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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