I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
