If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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