Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
