nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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