Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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