if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
