help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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