My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
