nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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