put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
