Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Let's get the cat blown out
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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