I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
