I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
