BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
