Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
