She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize