OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
