Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
