I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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