I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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