I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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