someone threw a dead crab at me
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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