I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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