Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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