why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
