I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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