I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
