So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
