Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
