I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
