During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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