They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
