:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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