some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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