I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
