HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
