Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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