You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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