can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
