I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
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I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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