I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
