I saw his package. It spoke to me.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
