I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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