You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
