I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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