I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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