If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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