maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
