I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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