party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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