My sheets look like a crime scene.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
